The shame, guilt and horror of what I’d done were so deep that I couldn’t deal with being present in my own life. I just watched it from a distance. I wasn’t me. At times, truckloads of emotions boiled up, and I exploded in uncontrollable crying, screaming and shouting. The outbursts lasted for hours. I was an intelligent and capable young woman yet the way I was living was incongruent with what my heart knew to be true, and it caused extreme conflict within.
We’d find ourselves in regular arguments that would last into the night. Despite many attempts to break up, inevitably we would end up back together within a matter of days. It was a vicious cycle. I was trapped in the reality I’d built for myself under the illusion we should stay together and work it out.
My sin was too deep for forgiveness.
It made sense that God would give me unconditional grace, but only before I knew Him. I was exempt from this grace. There were different rules for me. For the bad things done intentionally, after knowing Him and deliberately turning my back on Him.
With each cycle of breaking up and getting back together, my self-esteem plummeted. I didn’t have the strength to leave.
It was a dead end.
…When he moved away going back to church felt like the natural thing to do. I would wake up on Sunday with nowhere else to go, so I’d go to church. I’d avoid the part of the service where the congregation would turn and greet each other—I hated being there for that part. I wanted to be left alone. I was there for God, not people. I didn’t want their pity, their kindness, their time or conversation. The goal was to remain unseen. As soon as the end of the service was drawing near, I’d head straight for the door.
Inside I still felt the heavy weight of my sin. I knew my relationship with God would never be the same after the things I’d done. Externally I assumed the stance of surrender but inwardly there was no love, no relationship, no trust or intimacy. I feared God and knew I didn’t belong in Church.
My head, a ball of emotions and overactive thoughts, imagined conversations people were having in church:
“There’s Carly, she used to show such promise. She’s the girl who left to go out with that guy. She probably ended up sleeping with him, such a shame. What a waste.”
They’d never know what I had been through…
An excerpt from the book Daughter Wait! by Carly Riordan
Daughter Wait!
Daughter Wait! is an invitation to consider a different approach to dating and relationships. If you have ever wondered: How do I have a Godly relationship? How do I know if he is the one? What are realistic boundaries in a Christian relationship? How do I move on from a broken heart? Then this book is for you.
Written in Carly’s unique conversational style, you’ll cry, laugh and cheer as you follow her story of love and loss. Daughter Wait is a timeless reminder that regardless of your past, God has the best for your future.
Carly lives on the Gold Coast, Australia with her husband Joe and their two girls: Beni and Selah. She is a passionate follower of Jesus Christ, a lover of His Church, His people, His Word and life in general. Daughter Wait! is the first of many books she hopes to write.