Last week I prayed a prayer I’d never prayed before. As I explored the words that effortlessly flowed from my mouth, I pondered their validity and origin—was it ‘right’ to pray this way? Was this evidence of defeat or an indication of spiritual growth?

Should I be apprehending myself and pulling myself together? Or was this the gentle nudge of the Holy Spirit to adopt a new lens in which to view life from?

God make my world small.

Years of praying for greater capacity, wider reach, more influence, larger, greater, more… My soul has glimpsed these ‘treasures’ and retreated tired and dissatisfied.

God make my world small.

Make it something I can manage. Something I can see, touch, smell, be present in.

Let me be hidden in the crowd but found by the One I love.

Let me embrace the time to sit, to ponder, to be.

Let me forgo being found in the comments of those I will never meet, and instead, be found deep in conversation with my neighbour.

Forgotten are the details of days of my ‘friends’ in Internet land. Instead, let remember and immerse myself deeply in details of the days of my children, of my husband, my tangible friends and family.

A side note, on the subject of internet friends, have we moved away from ‘highlight reel’ by now justifying our highlights with snippets of the ‘real reel’?  Do we feel more comfortable to post our worst day, our anxiety, the low times, and we post for ‘all’ to see; but remained tight-lipped when sitting before the captive audience of a close friend?

Why?

Why is it easier to speak the truth in a well-edited caption rather than speak the truth as it pours from our heart: messy, in fragments and unedited? 

The answer is in the question I suppose. We all want our lives to portray something. We all want something for our lives and on the way to achieving this elusive something, reflecting its image can seem nearly as good. I’m not saying no to highlights or lowlights; I’m just questioning the desired outcome? Social media is a complicated and layered beast isn’t it?

God make my world small.

Let me dissolve as just another face on Instagram but instead, emerge as the kind familiar face who reads bedtime stories and snuggles up with the phone watching DVDs just because.

Let my highlights and all the in-betweens be captured not in photos but instead by my soul breathing in every moment.

God make my world small.

That I will have time to be interrupted. To eat, to cook, to read, to sleep, to play. Time to be found relishing the things I love.

This recent melancholy stream began as a trickle recently. A few unforeseen setbacks caused me to question where I am heading in life. The trickle flowed quickly down the river of “what’s my purpose?” and “am I wasting my time?”

Perhaps you’ve felt this way before too? If so, can I ask; “is discouragement a sign to press harder? Or do we need to shift focus a little and find comfort in the simple things?”

I’m done with building a world for myself that I struggle to uphold.

“God, what do you want to build within me?”  

As I lay down my dreams, desires and hopes for the future (again)…  I thought I’d done that already, but perhaps I merely shelved them within daily view, this time I’m really letting go. The new surrender is evidenced with new dreams of the ordinary:

Dreams that dishes would be done, washing put away and friends and family be close. Dreams of greatness are fading in their place are new desires; let the piano seat well-worn, the beach bare my daily footprint, the library become my second home.

God make me small.

Small and deep that’s what I desire; that in my smallness, He would become greater.

“A man can receive nothing unless it has been given to him from heaven. He must increase, but I must decrease. -John 3:27-30

Be kind to yourself,

 

 

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